Well in two days, it'll be a month since my ACL Revision. I am very happy I did it especially at the start of the summer. My brace is so heavy and hot that I don't think I could stand having to wear it during July and August. It also hasn't been quite as painful as my first ACLR, which is great. I'm also not taking as much pain medication as I did before my surgery. I can't believe I actually feel better!

I can finally put 50% of my weight on my bad knee, which is nice. After doing the same exercises 3x a day for a month, the exercises get soo boring. I'm hoping that when I see Dr. Noyes in Cincinnati on Tuesday that he'll allow me to put even more weight on my knee and to finally be able to use a stationary bike! I won't be able to make a full rotation yet since my ROM is only up to 100 degrees, but it'll certainly help increase my ROM and give me something new today!

I get really excited thinking about what I'll be able to do in another month or two. I should have at least another month of physical therapy appointments, which are boring but quite necessary. Once I finish my therapy sessions, my mom is going to pay for a personal trainer at Lifetime (where I have a gym membership right by my house). A trainer there has had many knee surgeries herself plus tons of qualifications so I'm hoping she can help give me some exercises for my whole body that won't place a lot of stress on my knee since most exercises in fitness magazines aren't so hot for mr. knee. I really want to lose some weight because I'd love to get back to my pre-knee injury days. When I was active in high school, I weighed 15-20 pounds less than I do now (almost four years later). And while I'm certainly in the normal range, I want to be more fit. It's just hard when you can't do anything cardio (including swimming and biking) and you don't eat a ton either. So I think having a personal trainer will really help with me getting more fit at least and that's all you can ask.

Now that I can drive, I feel much more independent and not so trapped within my house. I'm hoping to make it to Ann Arbor and Bloomfield Hills/Farmington within the next week or two. All my friends live at least half an hour away (from high school and college) so it's been a tad lonely. This also means I can attend my HopeKeepers meeting next Monday! One of the group leaders (who has Lupus) called me last week to ask how I was doing and I want to find out how Sharon did on her knee surgery, which she had a day before mine.

In one of my RestMinistries daily devotionals that are emailed out to the group, it said this:

Chronic Pain Syndrome causes a wide range of emotions, because you are not in control of the pain, it shows up daily like clock work. When pain shadows me and I cannot focus on the daily tasks of my day, I focused on HIM and The promises of His word.  It is so wonderful to focus on the One who knows me and can soothe my emotions and my pain.  He delivers His Scripture promises into my innermost being and they settle in me embracing my spirit. This has caused me to draw even closer to my LORD God because of my "mortal body state of affairs.

Sometimes when I'm really hurting, I do focus on God and it really helps, but other times I don't and I need to work on remembering to think of Him and pray instead of relying on my own ways.

Bible Verse of the Day: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 2:9 NIV)

It's so amazing to me how exhausting recovery can be. I do over 3.5 hours of physical therapy, shower, and go out to eat (on special days) and it exhausts me. PT is hard. Going up and down stairs is hard – I still can't crutch up and down because I can only do that by placing some weight on my bad leg and that is still unacceptable. So I use my arms and push me up or lift me down. Let's just say that everytime I use crutches, my triceps get ripped. And so does my right leg (the good one) – with all the weight it has to support, it's so muscular which reminds me of track and how my quad's looked during the season…good times…

So aside from therapy, shower, and lunch, what did I do? Well, I watched 5 episodes of Grey's Anatomy from the first season. I didn't realize that there were only 9 episodes in the first one…I wished I was in Sara's room watching it with the gang because those were good times. I also watched When a Stranger Calls with my family and that was a pretty good movie. When most people jump in a movie, my mom "yelps" really loud and that's scarier than any movie because it's so loud and unexpected lol.

I can't wait to drive. It's the longest period I've gone without driving. My previous surgeries prevented me from driving for a week or two, but I could always drive by then. My first ACL reconstruction was before I had my driver's license so that doesn't count. I drove over 25,000 miles in slightly over two years of high school between driving to school and my friends' houses (the one bad thing about living at least 30 minutes from my closest (geographically) friend. I love driving, not as much as running, but still a lot. A beautiful spring day with the windows down, hand hanging outside, the radio blasting, and the wind sifting through your air. One of the greatest feelings….

I also can't wait to attend a HopeKeeper's meeting (for people with chronic pain and illness) at NorthRidge Church. I won't go this week because I can't handle it plus the 24 finale is tomorrow night (2 whole hours of Jack Bauer saving the world)! But hopefully, I'll make it the following week because I miss the fellowship. Since I left college, I haven't seen a single friend. And while I totally understand (because I was in Florida and then recovering from surgery), it does get lonely at home.

A guy named Keith Miller once said, "Pain is like a fertilizer. It stinks when you're around it and you hate it. But after awhile you realize that the despicable stuff provided the nutrients for your growth." Philip Yancey, author of Where Is God When It Hurts?, asks his readers if we agree with that statement.

I can't think of anyone (except for those mentally sick people) who actually like pain – it sucks. It takes away your freedom and independence. It crumbles your self confidence and makes you question everything. It can literally stop you in your tracks. It sucks. I've been experiencing knee pain since I first hurt it in July of 2000 and have had chronic knee pain since September of 2003. I am certainly not the same person I was when I first hurt my knee. I'm more humble in the fact that I don't credit myself for my successes anymore (well, at least not as much). I've redetermined my priorities and sorted out what's really important to me. I've come to learn to appreciate the small things like getting in the shower with little or no pain.

At first, I lost my ability to run, to dribble, to shoot, to pivot, to sprint, to act like the average person. Then I lost my ability to walk or stand without pain. Now I can't do it without a brace or pair of crutches. It's truly humbling to go from being a star athlete who is addicted to sports (I'd spend my summers on my driveway running suicides and shooting hoops and then go run a mile or two around the neighborhood) to struggle to walk from my dorm room to our floor's bathroom. I would give almost anything to sprint one last time; to feel my arms pumping, my quads and lungs burning, the crowd cheering, the adrenaline of competition, and the glory of competition whether it results in a win, loss, or personal best time. If I could have one thing back, it would be the ability to sprint in the 100m dash – the most beautiful sporting event in the whole wide world…

To put it in perspective, I have the knee of a 60 year old. I'm a 19 year old girl who has arthritic changes in my knee and will need knee surgeries for who knows how long until I have a knee replacement or two in my 40s. And to grasp that new level of activity and come to cope with it, you have to grow as an individual. Otherwise, you'd fail. You'd give up. You'd become depressed. I would never want to go through this again, but I do like the person I am now so much more than the person I was 6 years ago in 8th grade.

Bible Verse: "Yet I am always with You; You hold me by my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will take me into glory…My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."  [Psalm 73:23-24,26]

You know you've been on crutches too long when… [as compiled by myself and others on the KneeGeeks forum!] There were more than those listed below, but I chose only those applicable to me.

1) People are surprised to see you without them

2) Your arm muscles are in the best shape ever

3) You use them like chopsticks and don't have to bend over to pick something up

4) You have developed calluses right below your armpits and on your palms

5) You decorate your crutches for special occassions (ie. green and red ribbons for Christmas)

6) You have friends/co-workers/teachers sign them because you can get more messages/autographs than any cast!

7) You crutch faster than you walk

Strangers always marvel at your speed and agility on crutches

9) You dream of "pimping" out your crutches (ie. adding rhimestones and color)

10) You've learned to dance on them (or in my case, when you've gone to two Homecoming dances on them and with an immobilizer)

11) People call you gimpy b/c you are never without them (all my friends called me Gimpy, especially Phil)

12) You wish you could use the crutches b/c they help with pain, but you're OS (orthopedic surgeon) won't let you b/c your quads atrophy too much

13) Your friends get bummed when you don't have the crutches b/c they can't play "crutch and field 2004" and use the crutches to pole vault over couches, etc.

14) It's easier to push your way through a crowd b/c you can just hit people. haha. This was great in high school

15) It becomes a good luck charm on your high school track team

16) When, as a senior in high school, friends can't remember you ever off of them even though your freshman year was the only year you never used them

17) You look at them and feel at home

18) You absolutely have no problem opening doors or stopping them from closing much to the amazement of friends and family

19) You get sad when your PT or OS tells you to wean yourself down to one crutch because it slows you down

Today wasn’t actually as bad as yesterday. I even went to see the movie Poseiden with my parents and brother after lunch. The most pain I was in today was after the movie because I had gone so long without ice and my knee was burning like crazy! But overall, yesterday was certainly more painful so that’s a nice improvement!

Unfortunately, my pain is only getting worse and not better as time goes on. Days #3 and #4 were amazing in comparison to past surgeries and then it got blah! In the evening, my knee swells right above the kneecap and starts burning – it gets really painful because it really feels like my knee is on fire! And now I'm also get shooting pains by my 3" incision like someone is repeatedly stabbing me – yikes! I saw an orthopedic surgeon (OS), not the guy who did my surgery, but a partner of an OS "friend," and he said that it's still within the normal range.

I'm also getting really antsy just sitting around the house. At first it was pretty relaxing (also because I wasn't in as much pain), but now it's really lonely! Both brothers are at school until at least 3:30 and then both parents work until at least that time and they all leave the house by 7am. I have to get up that early to change my ice for the machine, take pain med, and do PT so I just sit around watching TV / DVDs all day – not that interesting actually! I just can't wait until I don't have to elevate my leg 24/7 (which = bedrest) so I can drive and go hang out with my friends from U of M and my high school buddies, especially since my closest high school friend leaves in two weeks for Italy…

Pain Bible Verse: "Come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." [Matthew 11:28]

I joined this daily devotion group for Rest Ministries, which is a ministry for those dealing with chronic illness and pain. That Bible Verse was in today's and it really hit a chord with me. Sometimes I just get so worn down and in so much pain that I just sit and cry; it's really comforting for me to know that God is there getting me through this and He won't give me anything I can't handle. Plus, he's put some amazing people in my life to help me out (U of M friends with the gift bag and my parents).

It's been five days since surgery and it really hasn't been as bad as I expected (compared to the first ACL surgery). I'm getting bored of sitting in bed or a chair all day and watching TV / reading a book, but it is at least relaxing. I've watched the entire Season 4 of 24, Season 4 of Friends, and read 3 books since May 3rd. Crazy!

So aside from "chilling" today, what have I done? I had my first local physical therapy (PT) appointment today at 9am. It was incredibly painful. First off, my leg propped up in a car as it bumps along the road is really painful (the four hours home from Cincinnati after the surgery were awful). At first, I had to explain my past medical history since it has been a little over a year since I last saw Doreen, my physical therapist. She then had to do some basic examinations to see how my knee measured following surgery to see how it improved during PT. That was the most painful because she had to push it to see as far as it could go. I was given some more exercises to do 3x a day so it now takes at least 30 minutes for each home therapy session.

When I got home, I elevated my leg, turned my Iceman on (think of a pump that continuously keeps my knee cold), and opened my "Day #6" of the get well bag that Christina, Erin, and Megan gave me (with the help of others)! It's my favorite part of the day although I'm on "Day #6" instead of "Day #5" because I opened one the night of my surgery – I cheated a little! Today's batch had two letters made by Erin (which had an amazing drawing of Nala from The Lion King) and Melissa!

For some reason, I experienced no burning or tingling (usually a sign of nerve problems) until today. My surgeon said to expect them earlier since he had to cut / burn a branch of a nerve, but I never noticed and have never ever experienced this type of pain before. And it finally showed up today – can't say I like it! It feels like my knee is roasting even with my ice machine on it. It's not tingling or anything, but definitely burning – yuck!

Pain Quote of the Day: "This suffering is all part of the work God has given you. Christ, who suffered for you, is your example. Follow in his steps." (1 Peter 2:21)

I've missed attending my Chronic Pain Small Group (called HopeKeepers) at NorthRidge. I missed one because of finals, one because I was in Florida, and tonight's because I'm lying in my bed. It's so encouraging to talk to fellow believers who understand what it's like to live in constant pain. I like surgeries for the one fact that people "understand" this type of pain and are conscience of it; they send me flowers, balloons, and cards to cheer me up. But the fact is, I'm in pain all the time. I'm not asking for constant recognition or material gifts because who could afford that or deserve that outpouring of love and generosity? But on those days when all you want to do is go in your room, ice your knee, and cry – it gets lonely. So this pain group has helped me to be more comfortable in my situation and provides me a chance to talk to people who are in worse cases than I am.

Pain is weakness leaving the body so LiveStrong…