It's so amazing to me how exhausting recovery can be. I do over 3.5 hours of physical therapy, shower, and go out to eat (on special days) and it exhausts me. PT is hard. Going up and down stairs is hard – I still can't crutch up and down because I can only do that by placing some weight on my bad leg and that is still unacceptable. So I use my arms and push me up or lift me down. Let's just say that everytime I use crutches, my triceps get ripped. And so does my right leg (the good one) – with all the weight it has to support, it's so muscular which reminds me of track and how my quad's looked during the season…good times…

So aside from therapy, shower, and lunch, what did I do? Well, I watched 5 episodes of Grey's Anatomy from the first season. I didn't realize that there were only 9 episodes in the first one…I wished I was in Sara's room watching it with the gang because those were good times. I also watched When a Stranger Calls with my family and that was a pretty good movie. When most people jump in a movie, my mom "yelps" really loud and that's scarier than any movie because it's so loud and unexpected lol.

I can't wait to drive. It's the longest period I've gone without driving. My previous surgeries prevented me from driving for a week or two, but I could always drive by then. My first ACL reconstruction was before I had my driver's license so that doesn't count. I drove over 25,000 miles in slightly over two years of high school between driving to school and my friends' houses (the one bad thing about living at least 30 minutes from my closest (geographically) friend. I love driving, not as much as running, but still a lot. A beautiful spring day with the windows down, hand hanging outside, the radio blasting, and the wind sifting through your air. One of the greatest feelings….

I also can't wait to attend a HopeKeeper's meeting (for people with chronic pain and illness) at NorthRidge Church. I won't go this week because I can't handle it plus the 24 finale is tomorrow night (2 whole hours of Jack Bauer saving the world)! But hopefully, I'll make it the following week because I miss the fellowship. Since I left college, I haven't seen a single friend. And while I totally understand (because I was in Florida and then recovering from surgery), it does get lonely at home.

A guy named Keith Miller once said, "Pain is like a fertilizer. It stinks when you're around it and you hate it. But after awhile you realize that the despicable stuff provided the nutrients for your growth." Philip Yancey, author of Where Is God When It Hurts?, asks his readers if we agree with that statement.

I can't think of anyone (except for those mentally sick people) who actually like pain – it sucks. It takes away your freedom and independence. It crumbles your self confidence and makes you question everything. It can literally stop you in your tracks. It sucks. I've been experiencing knee pain since I first hurt it in July of 2000 and have had chronic knee pain since September of 2003. I am certainly not the same person I was when I first hurt my knee. I'm more humble in the fact that I don't credit myself for my successes anymore (well, at least not as much). I've redetermined my priorities and sorted out what's really important to me. I've come to learn to appreciate the small things like getting in the shower with little or no pain.

At first, I lost my ability to run, to dribble, to shoot, to pivot, to sprint, to act like the average person. Then I lost my ability to walk or stand without pain. Now I can't do it without a brace or pair of crutches. It's truly humbling to go from being a star athlete who is addicted to sports (I'd spend my summers on my driveway running suicides and shooting hoops and then go run a mile or two around the neighborhood) to struggle to walk from my dorm room to our floor's bathroom. I would give almost anything to sprint one last time; to feel my arms pumping, my quads and lungs burning, the crowd cheering, the adrenaline of competition, and the glory of competition whether it results in a win, loss, or personal best time. If I could have one thing back, it would be the ability to sprint in the 100m dash – the most beautiful sporting event in the whole wide world…

To put it in perspective, I have the knee of a 60 year old. I'm a 19 year old girl who has arthritic changes in my knee and will need knee surgeries for who knows how long until I have a knee replacement or two in my 40s. And to grasp that new level of activity and come to cope with it, you have to grow as an individual. Otherwise, you'd fail. You'd give up. You'd become depressed. I would never want to go through this again, but I do like the person I am now so much more than the person I was 6 years ago in 8th grade.

Bible Verse: "Yet I am always with You; You hold me by my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel, and afterward You will take me into glory…My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."  [Psalm 73:23-24,26]